Your family is on the edge of divorce? Or you just have small misunderstanding which can lead to a huge disaster? You need to stop arguing and save your marriage.
The quarrel between husband and wife. What is the true meaning? And how to stop arguing?
In every family there are disagreements, it is compulsory. Everyone can have arguments: children, teenagers, parents, wives and husbands. Every time there is a reason for the dispute and its consequences. The worst thing is if quarrels occur between husband and wife and grows gradually into a serious conflict.
It is believed that quarrels are inevitable in family relationships. Some psychologists even claim that quarrel helpful.
When it comes to quarrel, it is important to be able to give in and compromise.
In some families, there is no end of strife and the wife is so tired that the divorce is considered the only way out. Quarrels harass and destroy relationships.
However, it is important not to concede and learn to compromise, but to understand what unconscious reasons of arguments are. This awareness and understanding will give you the opportunity to make family quarrels less painful.
Tiff and misunderstandings are natural in a relationship. Our views are different, each of the partners has his or her own character and temperament, their education and ideas about life, but the couple must learn to talk and listen to each other, not by turning it into an argument, and then into a violent quarrel.
First of all let us recall the basic components of a happy marriage, the thing what we should strive. Studies in the field of family relationships reveal a number of factors, which, apparently, are common in couples, highly satisfied life together.
- Open an expression of love and tender feelings.
We often want to express our feelings, emotions and emotional states often simply torn from the soul. Why? With regard to the purpose or the main functions of the expression of emotions and feelings, there are three functions:
- Communication, transmission of various messages about yourself and your emotional state. When something is important to people, especially close, you understand. This helps to better interaction and good relations. In this case, the spokesman of the senses, requires adequate formulation of messages about their feelings plus emotional expressiveness.
- Influence on the partner. Emotions do not just transmit messages, but infect charge, inspire, attract.
- Common interests and values. It is impossible to see a happy alliance where to people have nothing in common. Of course, it is not obligatory to do everything together but still it is very important to have at least one common hobby
- Mutual trust and respect. Jealousy has nothing to do with harmony and, what is more, with love. You have to leave some personal space to your partner.
- The ability to give and take. There shouldn`t be any selfishness in the normal relationship. You should always take into account needs of other person
- Sensitivity to the needs and desires of each other. It deals with the same problem as previous rule but here you need not only show that your care about other person but really do it.
- A relationship in which there is no desire to dominate. Domination is the feature of unhealthy relationships where one of the partners is a victim.
- Well-developed sense of humor. Yes, it is also one of the basic rules, because if you take everything seriously, your emotional strength will be higher and some arguments can provoke a depression.
- Elements of the game, cooperative entertainment. Sometimes you need to relax and entertain yourself. Do it together with your partner.
- Love for children and an interest in their lives. Children are a bounding link in the relationships which are far from romantic.
Let`s consider the most common variants of the typical conflicts and their possible causes.
- the inability of spouses to listen intently and understand each other;
- lack of desire one or both spouses listen to each other in considering and deciding on any significant issue. If you are interested in marriage - it means that you are interested in reciprocal concessions and willingness to negotiate;
- too large differences in the level of intellectual development, education and life experience of both spouses;
- determination of one of the spouses to prove their opinion to the other spouse and dominate;
- excessive confidence of one or both spouses in the absolute correctness, the infallibility of his own point of view - which never happens in a quarrel involving two;
- the failure of one or both spouses to compromise, flexibly, depending on the situation, change the strategy and tactics of interaction with each other, taking into account the prevailing conditions;
- bias against one spouse to another, often as a consequence of the offense or of different temperaments. For example, one spouse or both spouses cannot easily talk to each other, are often irritated, can easily get angry to each other. Or part of one of the spouses actions cause opposition, negative emotional reaction on the part of the other spouse; one or both spouses possess the character traits that are not allowed to communicate with people, for example - an insult to human dignity, demonstrative partner disrespect.
- the lack of similarity in the views of the spouses on issues that require unanimity in the family, for example, in matters of distribution of roles in the family: on the question of who should be the leader, the head of the family; in matters of education and upbringing of children; in matters of the allocation of responsibilities in the family; in matters of relationships with relatives; in the organization of family holidays.
Also a lack of awareness of the nature of the problem, the underestimation of problem, lack of faith in the possibility of solving it can be also significant causes of conflict.
As you can see, the issues on which the spouses may arise differences of opinion, quite a lot, but to coordinate positions on all these issues, achieving a complete understanding is possible.
Strategy and tactics to win in a family quarrel.
- Stay tuned to find a compromise, mutual concessions. At the beginning of the conversation, choose to discuss such issues, which are relatively easy to reach agreement.
- Say your pretention in a simply way. People can not read each other's minds, and do not understand hints. Everything or almost all should be called by their proper names.
- Avoid generalizations. Phrases such as "all your family", "you and your buddies," "you never" or "you always" should not take place in conflict.
- Try not to use accusations and criticism. You can express dissatisfaction, but do not act as a prosecutor, or your spouse have to be a lawyer but not accused. For the beginning of the trial fit the phrase: "I do not like when my husband / wife ..."; "How do you think I should feel myself after such words?"; "I am offended when I see, hear, feel ...". Talk about his reaction to the bad deeds of spouse, not the qualities of his character. The phrase: "You - rude, inconsiderate, arrogant egotist" replace with the phrase: "I need your affection, care, attention, and your harsh words make me sad.
- Do not remember past wrongs and mistakes. Focus on this particular case. Human logic is that if after long-time case you've been living with your husband (wife) in a perfect harmony, therefore, today's quarrel has nothing to do with that long time case. And if you have remembered it, for some reason, only now, so at the moment the fault of your spouse is not so big. You kept silent that time, so calm down now. And it seems that this quarrel you have started because you have been bitten by some kind of a fly, or you have nothing to do, and do you have a terrible temper. Memories of past sins distract attention from the real events and give the offending party the chance to shift the responsibility to to you. Therefore, taking into account the characteristics of human logic, expose the claims only in the present tense. And this time, try to reach a compromise, not postponing.
- Do not call your spouse with insulting words. It is inappropriate. You were probably told it in kindergarten. So obey the wise teachers. It will not work. You will get the addition of new grievances (this time your spouse’s). In addition, your spouse also went once to the kindergarten and probably also knows the words and can repeat them back.
- Do not refer to the opinions and actions of others. You have your own family, and everyone has "a skeleton in the closet." So don`t tell your spouse what your mother thinks about his/her character. It is useless.
- For women. Never, under any circumstances, disturb his manhood with your favorite sarcastic comments. Men in this matter are very vulnerable. You will still be living with him. So why do you need any troubles with his sexual potency?
- Do not turn the conversation into a monologue. You are not on the stage, and your task is not to play beautifully tragedy or drama, but solve the problem of the relationship. Pause, say in turn, ask pertinent questions. Allow you culprit to explain and justify himself. If you do not give him to open his mouth, how he could tell you that he was wrong, repent and ask you to forgive him? However, suppress his attempts to reduce everything to a joke, dodge, change the subject or make a counter. Return him to the problem until you feel that he really realized his guilt and regrets.
- However, do not linger the quarrel, be gentle. Slow-moving and long scandal does not bring relief. They remain mutual dissatisfaction with each other and an unpleasant aftertaste. Good quarrel necessarily ends with reconciliation. It looks like a summer storm, after which paints are brighter, the world becomes cleaner and it is easier to breathe. From time to time saturate the atmosphere of your family with life-giving ozone, maintaining understanding and good relations to each other.