WHY MEN MARRY FROM HOME AND SHOULD CONTINUE TO MARRY FROM HOME
A REPLY TO LADY G.
I think the time has come to put a stop on these meaningless discussions on why men go home to marry. They have to stop because the discussions and articles are insulting to women from home and further insults the intelligence of the men who marry from home.
I can only conclude that these attacks are based on jealousy because women back home work very hard under extreme conditions and still do not lose sight of their values and what they want in life. On the other hand, girls here live a sheltered and pampered life, blaming others for their insecurities and bitching about every thing.
If you want to discus things you should be open and honest with yourself. Understand the facts and stop being aggressive. If you did not go to YIBOSC to look for a husband, why do you get angry when men marry from home? Lets face it Yibosc is probably your only forum to meet Igbo men of your generation.
There is a saying “ better the devil you know”. However, knowing the devils we have grown up with, we choose to reject them and look for potential from home.
I will tell you the truth and some hints of what men look for that drives them to go home. Once you have read this article and you are honest to yourself, you will see that you fall into or have been guilty of most of the points raised here.
1. Your parents will not tell you that who you marry is not as important as who your brother marries because his offspring’s will maintain the family name and culture.
2. Some of you insist that your husband must come from your state, LGA and village. How many men do you know in that category?
3. Some of you think that men from home want to use you to attain immigration papers. This could be true, but not always.
4. Most of you are never ready, by the time you are ready, whom do you think will be waiting for you? Girls back home are ready as soon as they are of age. Some will marry while at college, with feeling that the marital aspect of their life is sorted, they can then concentrate on studying and building a career
5. You demand too much from men, looking for a readymade man. What is wrong with working together with your husband to achieve your riches? You insult men from home that they are only cab drivers and security workers. What you fail to understand with your level of intelligence is that these are highly qualified individuals who must take whatever job here to survive because of the circumstances.
6. You blame and Dam about your parents not teaching you culture, how many of you have gone to a meeting with your mother to observe how women do things?
7. Men want someone who is adaptable – some one who knows what is expected of her when you visit home. Some one who knows that she has to wake up in the morning and sweep the compound, someone who knows what is expected of her during any event or ceremony.
8. You mention submissive and yes women – you should visit home more often. Most women from home are more streetwise than you. They combine it with culture and their realistic expectations from life and it makes them more appealing.
9. You mention respect. Most of you don’t even know the meaning of the word in our culture; instead you prefer to rely on your western definition that says I will only respect those who respect me. Your parents thought you to respect your elders and respect yourself in public through your conduct.
10. We are faced with supply and demand. The supply here is limited, because of that, the suppliers are making shakara. The reaction from us is to jump on a plane to get better quality. We all know that cars are expensive in Uk, so people travel to Europe to get quality and value for money. Similarly, women back home are quality and value.
11. What can you offer us that women from home can’t? Most women from home are smart, intelligent and educated just like you; slim and attractive just like you; ambitious, sociable and fashionable just like you. On top of that, they are cultured, adaptable and definitely not submissive. So what is it that you have that they are missing?
12. Ask yourself this question, why is it that elders here congratulate and praise us for rejecting the Macdonald and Kentucky generation?
13. All Igbo men – born here or from back home – have been raised on traditional food. Most of you can’t even cook jollof rice let alone a decent egusi soup. Now why should any red blooded Igbo man want to spend all his life with a person who will be feeding him fish and chips with salad.
14. How many of you will visit your boyfriend’s parents in his presence or absence to do chores and errands to try and impress them?
15. How many of you will consider an introduction from your family? You will look at it as arranged marriage.
16. Some of you will meet a boy. You want to spend years knowing him, soon after, things do not work out and you break up. Soon you meet somebody else and subsequently things work and you are talking marriage. His family will be telling him not to bring this girl who goes from man to man into their household. If the boy does not know you, the family knows somebody that knows you. This is part of our culture checking your background. Before you know it the years roll on and you meet another boy, things work and there is talk of marriage. His family will object and tell him that you are too old and cannot bear healthy children
17. Some of you smoke and drink (hard liquor). Only loose women indulge in such things in our culture. How are you going to convince a bloke’s mum that you are of good character?
18. Marrying from home makes sense because she will apply positive pressure for her husband to go home and build and achieve something for their later life. She will also help to teach your children the culture and language so they do not end up like you. Going home is our prerogative and will continue until there is a change in attitude, behaviour and expectations of girls born and raised here.
19. What you need to do is forget this ladish culture that you have been raised on and start behaving like a person who was very well brought up or as they say in igbo land, some one who was raised on her mother’s milk not powdered milk.
Finally, some of you will come to YIBOSC and in the presence of your friends, you will ridicule and reject these points. However, when you get home and take a long look at yourself. You will notice that all your education, your high powered job, your house, your car and all your material possession will not stop that biological clock ticking ever faster. When you go to bed, that big double bed in your room gets colder each winter and the house becomes lonelier. But what is the problem? There is no problem we are in the Western world. Women can go to a sperm bank or men can travel to Nigeria. Perhaps YIBOSC will consider setting up a sperm bank, this way you will guarantee that the donor is an igbo man and may possible come from your village.