It is not enough to be with someone and not alone. You need to be with a person equal to you and well coupled to fulffil your life purpose and dreams.
This is one of the major choices you would ever make in your life. So, learning how to choose a life partner is essential. This process involves some DOs and DON’Ts. People in a variety of countries make similar mistakes. Learn more before you jump head first into the biggest relations of your life.
Finding a life partner DOs
1. Look for apparent signs
You do not need to be wise as Solomon to see some things during the dating time. There are obvious signs that tell you: s/he is right for you or “run”! The trouble is we lead ourselves into self-deceit and miss those signs.
We tend to overlook those apparent indicators because we choose to go with our feelings. “I just follow my heart” – that is what we often hear from people in relationships. It’s so easy to “follow your heart”, when the other person is nice to you. They date you, they try to show their best, they take care of things.
However, once you get wedded you start seeing the real picture. Issues come up and you wonder: where was my head, when I dated them? Sentiment is good, but often times what we call “heart” in reality is our flesh and carnal desires. It does not have anything to do with true love.
2. Pick carefully
Just think about: our spouses are the only relatives we have the right to choose. You cannot pick your mother or father, let alone your siblings or even kids. Your hubby or your spouse is the ONLY relative you select.
So, choose wisely. Come up with a list of crucial characteristics to make it work for you. Throw away that romantic nonsense. It can’t help you get through the thick and thin in life. Some things are really important. Scientists proved that marriages, where people come from similar background and have similar level of education last longer.
So, write those things down: education, upbringing, past experience, career prospective, sense of humor, kindness, etc. Whatever is vital to you, the real stuff and not the fuzz.
3. Look for compatibility
Some things about an individual can change, but others are unchangeable. You need to be able to tell the diversity between the two and pick wisely. One of the things to pay attention to is maturity. Of course, it is a changeable characteristic, but not everyone is willing to grow up.
Especially this could be a problem with men. They just like the teenage type of life. It’s cool and you do not have to take up the responsibility. That is why some of such guys can be looking for another mom to take care of them. Their wives or girlfriends at first feel good about it. They mother them and sense their importance.
Sooner or later any woman would want a strong and mature man next to her. She wants to be taken care of and be secure. That directly depends on his level of maturity. So, make sure you are compatible there. There are many other areas of compatibility you should be looking into before you say that final “I do”.
4. Look for trouble
Everyone can be good when life is good. How about handling trouble? Yes, your family and friends wish you well and hope your life would be sweet. But trouble comes to everyone. You will have your portion of it in life. Would s/he be able to handle it properly? Would they say “I do” to that “in riches and in poverty, in happiness and in sorrow” and then they don’t?
Test them and try them to see, how they handle stress and problems. You want that individual to have your back throughout the life. Are they fit for it?
5. Work your dream into reality
You know, when you ask people about dating or marriage they say: I want to get a nice spouse. I have to have great kids. But no one says: I want to BE a good wife or a husband. I want to BE a great parent. Do you see the difference?
Let me ask you a question: are you a workable “relationship material”? What is it that you have to offer to another great person? When you want to GET, you become a consumer. When you wish to BE or GIVE, you become the initiator. Instead of waiting for the miracles and blessings to just happen in your life, why don’t you initiate them?
How do you do that? Create a value within you. You wish to meet a good woman, become a worthy man. Learn to provide, mature and become highly responsible, kind and thoughtful. Want to meet the prince? Become a princess instead of a frog. Learn to cook and take care of your home. Learn to be respectful and understand man’s needs, etc.
READ ALSO: Who to marry – 5 best tips for Nigerians.
Finding a life partner DON’Ts
1. Don’t look for the package
Picking a life companion we approach the task with some preconceived ideas. We sort of throw everything into one pot and look for the Mr. or Miss prefect. We want certain appearance (tall, short, slim or shapely, dark skin, fair skin, etc.) and set other requirements, such as wealth, profession, level of education.
This “package” often times tricks us into some bad choices. We look at the outward of a person, see them falling in line with our preconceived image and go for it. Later on we “unpack” them and see what a mistake we have made!
2. Don’t fall in love
“Falling” is not a good stuff. Love is the thing that grows, and not falls. It builds you up and builds up the ones you love. Just think about it: how can you instantly “fall” in love with a person you do not know? We cannot love somebody we do not know.
Love is about knowing a person and loving them for their qualities and at times even against their qualities. You need to take time and get to know each other to really start loving them. All this nonsense with “falling” in love is just about hormones. It may work out well, but it may not.
Your mad love passes away and leaves behind you being in one boat with another person you hardly know anything about! That is what we call marriage. Instead of doing that people should really try to learn the handles of each other to build lasting relationships.
3. Don’t rush into marriage
You know, dating and nuptial seem so romantic, like a fairy tale. People are getting ready for the wedding, but only few get ready for the matrimonial life. Doing Christian dating young folks know they cannot have premarital sex. This pushes some couples into rush decisions.
Unfortunately this is not all about sex. In fact, how good your sexual life would be greatly depends on how well you match your spouse. What you should do is to avoid getting sexually involved before the marriage. Such involvement blinds you and makes you unable to see the true personality in your partner.
That is especially true for women. Once they get in bed with men, they feel the pressure. What if he leaves? What shall I do? And she snatches that “I do” from him and rushes into marriage. Later on she may bitterly regret that step. So, stay clean and unbiased in your decision and take your time. If he puts pressure on you to get involved sexually or marry right away, step back and think twice.
4. Don’t get too romanticized
Emotions feel great. We put on those rose-colored spectacles and life seems so beautiful just like a dream. The truth is sentiments come and go. They are not stable and that is their beauty. Feelings are good in their place, but they cannot be used as the foundation.
Just imagine building a house on something so fickle. It shifts and moves constantly. We pick very firm things for the basement for it to be able to hold the entire construction. So, why on earth do we elect to build a thing as heavy and massive as marriage on capricious moods?
You cannot even work or study successfully being guided by your passions. One day you feel like going to work and the other day you feel depressed and want to stay in bed. So what? You get up and go, because you are directed by your mind and will. The same is true about relations. We’ve bought into that romantic nonsense about “feeling” our way through life.
In a movie about the “iron lady” Margaret Thatcher she said something amazing. Her doctor asked how she felt and she replied: in my time people use to ask: what do you think instead of how do you feel? I think I am well irrespective of what I feel. It’s a great concept applicable for dating and marriage. Once you marry, you should always think of being loyal and committed to your spouse regardless of feelings.
5. Don’t hope to change them
God is the only one who can really change human souls and beings. You are not God and that’s the fact. It is what it is. Do not fool yourself into an idea and a false hope of changing him or her after you get married. Millions of people make this mistake and later on they complain: I thought they would change. Well, they did not.
So, do not hope for it from the beginning. Some people get married to those in addiction. They hope to cure them of it. In most cases such hopes are false. It is what it is. Make sure you understand that on the dating stage.
Now you know how to choose a life partner. Of course, this is not a complete guide. Still it can get you started in the right route. Think things over before you say that fateful “I DO”.
READ ALSO: 7 Things That Can Crush Your Marriage.